What I really meant to say

Sometimes the words in our head don't always correspond to the words that we say out loud. Many times we speak out of anger or hurt and things end up in a bigger mess than what they began with.

For many years I held my tongue and avoided confronting the man that abused me, those words that were in my head very seldom crossed my lips. Fear guided that decision easily. As the years progress after the abuse, I try to find the way to express how I feel using those words that cross my mind. I find it very challenging to find a balance.

Sometimes things really need to be said but the words don't come out the way they were meant to. In the past year as I have tried to find my voice I have said things that I wish I could take back. The words were meant to empower my independence and show that I was strong and not the weak person I once was, but somehow I allowed the anger to manipulate how the words were spoken. I became the monster who abused me instead of finding my own voice.

I refuse to go back to holding my tongue, instead I need to learn to balance and weigh each word that is spoken or written. I want to become the person I envision in my dreams. Strong enough to speak her mind, humble enough to know when to speak, and faithful enough to live with the words I have spoken.