Forever Sorry

Something you learn very quickly when being abused whether its physical or mental is that sorry becomes a frequent word used and heard in your life. You use it a lot in hopes that it stops any unnecessary anger. Most the time sorry is not necessary but it works like a band-aid. They hear it and feel better thinking your admitting to some fault. You say it knowing that its what they need to hear.

On the flip side you begin to hear the word sorry so often that it becomes meaningless to you. They say it each and every time they lift their hand to you, or raise their voice, they use it like toilet paper. It's a word said with no feeling. If it was truly meant as an apology they wouldn't do it again. Would they?

Still today I find myself apologizing for things I need not apologize for. I will "forever be sorry" because it became so ingrained into my personality that I don't know how to be confident in my own actions. I have an amazing husband who makes it clear each and every time that there is no need to be sorry, and it always makes me feel better. It just hasn't erased my past.

Something else I struggle with is hearing someone say sorry. The word itself has lost meaning in my own mind. It's easy for me to say it but not as easy to accept it. I haven't given up hope that one day all the evils of my past will be gone but until then little reminders such as these still linger and make me the person I am today. Tomorrow I may be someone new. I take each and every day as it comes and embrace the person that I wake up to be.